So far, I’ve had a rough start, but a good day.  I slept from 6 p.m. until early this morning.  I was then in and out until about 10:30 a.m. this morning.  I decided I wanted to go to Cracker Barrel which made me moody because we didn’t have the money.  Well, we ended up going, but I was irritated because I had to wait on everyone to take a bath or shower, except for myself, of course, because I didn’t take one, as usual.  I ended up getting something different at Cracker Barrel than I originally wanted to get, because my tastes for the day changed after my long wait to even go.  After we went to Cracker Barrel, we went across the interstate to the Kings Hwy Wal-Mart.  I got 3 shirts and a pair of khakis.  The shirts are for regular wear, but the khakis I will also be able to wear to work.

I’ve been thinking and I just told Jeff in the car, I hate how I’m so lazy that I never do anything.  It’s such an extreme that even the motivation of no longer wanting to be that way is enough for me to make such a drastic change.  I’m sure my issues don’t help me in this area, but I doubt they actually cause the laziness.  I used to lean on the issues as a crutch not really realizing it, but I’ve finally decided that I’m just a lazy bum aside from my work.  And, sometimes, I’m even lazy and take shortcuts there.  Despite all of my qualifications for becoming a store manager, my laziness leads me to believe that I couldn’t really do the job to the best of my ability when it really came down to it.  I will keep praying for strength from the Lord, I hope I do at least, so that maybe I can find the strength and courage to change things in my life.  I feel tired all of the time, but I don’t know if it’s in my head because I’m too lazy to do anything else or if my body and mind are really that tired, therefore, not enabling to push my body and mind any further.  I don’t understand and don’t really know. 

I am also terrible about keeping a journal.  I have gotten so terrible about not wanting to write over the years that it’s a serious chore to even write a poem, in my journal, or even a simple card most times.  What is up with me?  Why does everything have to seem so hard?  I thought maybe I would try keeping an electronic journal.  If I could type it, I thought I might be more inclined to do it and it would give me something to do with my time when I’m bored, but too lazy to do anything.  At least I’d be doing something somewhat productive.  As least I could use it as a tool to look back on to learn about myself and maybe change some things in my life.  Also, if I choose to make it a blog or something online, it would also enable others to get to know me better.

I hate how I use Jeff.  He’s truly a godsend the way he understands my issues and dilemmas, but it’s no excuse for the extreme ways I take advantage like NEVER doing dishes, laundry, cleaning or straightening the house.  It’s so lame the way I’ve let myself become.  I’ve always been this way to some degree, but I believe that this is the most extreme and it seems to get more extreme all the time.  Other people look up to me for being married with 3 children yet working full time as an assistant manager and going to school part time.  I even try telling them how they shouldn’t look up to me for it because Jeff does all of the work at home and with the kids, but they always tell me, “Yeah, but you are so busy.  He’s just doing his part.”  However, I know he does even more than his part.  I feel bad when they look up to me for it, because I know how much I take advantage.  I really love him, and don’t understand how I can do this to him.  Am I not afraid I’ll eventually push him to a breaking point where he just can’t put up with it all anymore?  How on Earth does he manage everything he does at home and for the family and still do his writing that he’s been doing for several months now?  Not to mention, he just started, last month, a podcast.  I am very proud of him, but I know he has so much more potential and, if nothing else could do a lot more of his writing if only I did my part.  Or even just some of my part.

I really like the store I am working for, but, unfortunately, it’s still no cure for when I get lazy and cut corners.  I still do those things.  However, I do have fewer opportunities to be that way working for Missy than I did when I was working for Andy.  I feel like she expects a lot out of me, so I automatically do more as a result, but I do feel like she expects more out of me than I do manage to give her.  I wish I had her energy with how she just goes, goes and goes.  I don’t understand how she does it.  I would like to be like that.

I keep typing because I don’t know what I’m going to do with my time when I am done with this.  I’ll probably just decide I’m bored and go lay down like always.

I need to get back in a routine going to the gym.  Once out of a routine, it is difficult to start back though.  Once either my school money comes in during early February or when our tax return comes in, I plan on buying a one year program with the personal trainers for twice a month.  They’ll make me see that I can do it.  I can’t wait for that.  It is no excuse to not go now though.  That will be my goal for today: to go to the gym for an hour and to take a shower tonight.

Tomorrow I plan on going to my school to get my Connect Card and get my books for my upcoming classes.

During my “bored” times, I have been doing some Kindle reading on my phone, but, of course, I read laying in bed, so I often fall asleep doing it.

I have to say I am certainly proud of myself right this moment.  One of the neighborhood kids, Andrea, pushed Anna off her bike and took it away from her when she was trying to ride her bike in the neighborhood.  I took control and went and spoke with her grandmother.  I hope it actually does some good, but who knows with the types of parents seem to be around these days where they just kick their kids out of the house in the morning (or afternoon during the school year) and have them play outside until the day is done.  What kind of parents do that?